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Who is @Secretkebab?

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@Secretkebab on TwitterBrady and I are obsessed with @Secretkebab on Twitter. While we’ve yet to use his services, we get a kick out of reading his ridiculous posts marketing Turkish delights that he delivers in NW Portland. Last weekend, we had dinner with friends, and passed around the phone at the table so each person could perform their own version of what his accent must sound like. Even the waiter was dying laughing. Brady thinks this person must be a witty, Jewish kid, because there’s no way someone could be that unintentionally funny. I don’t doubt that the person manning @Secretkebab is the real deal, but I think it’s time to settle the score and find out for sure.

With reviews on Yelp like this:

“So, there we were, leaning against the chainlink fence of the U-Haul rental place in the dark at 30th & Killingsworth. I was absentmindedly fumbling with the wad of cash in my pocket and trying to anticipate what the delivery guy would look like. I hand him $15. He pockets it and shoves a non-descript brown paper bag at me before disappearing into the night. Maitre D. and I walk back to the car feeling like we have a bagful of contraband. We immediately broke into them and were treated to homemade pita bread wrapped around juicy, wood-smoked, medium-rare lamb. Perfectly spiced and incredible.”

it’s hard to imagine the experience would be anything short of magical. His references: magical too. Hashish, boom boom, and ass picnics (whatever those are) have a way of creeping into each Tweet, their inferences neither known nor concerning. If you need a chuckle, follow along.

A bout of 3am sleeplessness last week had me trying to contain my laughter in bed while reading the following Tweet:

“@secretkebab: You call it hookah?! Turkis it is nargile!! I am fill with rose tobacoo hashish and banana skin!! And then I am on the wife!! BOOM BOOM!!”.

So when Brady asked me via BBM earlier, “What am I going to eat while you’re gone?!” (I’m was on a flight to Dallas while I wrote this), I simply replied, “Contact the Turk.” Here’s another hilarious one for posterity:

“@secretkebab: Ask me the wish for the lamb to come kisses nips nips tickel on the face and a man will come!! With kebab for you!! Hello?! HELLO DEER!!”

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